Reduction Management

Blank-Dear Employee,
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are S.L.A.P.P.E.D will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
S.L.A.P.P.E.D employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called S.C.R.E.W.
S.C.R.E.W (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been S.L.A.P.P.E.D and S.C.R.E.W.E.D may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be S.L.A.P.P.E.D once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or C.L.A.P (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R.P.E.S and C.L.A.P are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S or C.L.A.P will no longer be S.L.A.P.P.E.D or S.C.R.E.W.E.D by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T you can handle. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Best Regards,
CEO.

• [e-source: world wide web]

It’s the matter of Winning

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said: “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys look at it and give me a bid.”
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew,
and $100 profit for me.”
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700.”
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says: “You didn’t even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy” says the contractor from New York, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri.”

• [e-source: world wide web]

Was he really Speeding..

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I went got my 3rd drink-driving ban.
Officer: I see sir, well may I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Superintendent. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Superintendent approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Superintendent: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Superintendent: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the log book.
Superintendent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Superintendent: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. [Boot is opened; no body.]
Superintendent: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

• [e-source: world wide web]

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Scientist/Engineers

• DOCTOR
  Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.
  This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.
• LAWYER
  Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
• SALESMAN/MARKETER/TRADER
  See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
• TEACHER
  The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.
• HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E., POLICE, MILITARY, FIRE-FIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
  Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the computer terminal for too long.
  This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And If you think he is looking at another woman, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?” He’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.

• [e-source: world wide web]

Before & After the Wedding

• Before Wedding. “You are my heart, you are my love”
  After Wedding. “You don’t get on my nerve”
• Before Wedding. “You are sweet and kind just like Cinderella”
  After Wedding. “You are worse than godzila”
• Before. Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I’m stuck with you
  After Wedding. Roses are dead, I’m blue. You get on my head, I will sue you
• Before Wedding. Every dinner, he brings you to Shangri-La
  After wedding. You want to go, he says Nanti-la
• Before Wedding. She enjoys his looks
  After Wedding. She enjoys his cheque book
• Before Wedding. Shopping at Sogo
  After Wedding. Shopping at Pasar Raya
• Before Wedding. She looks like Anita Sarawak
  After Wedding. Don’t know whether katak or biawak
• Before Wedding. Weekends at Resor Tampak Siring
  After Wedding. Furthest you go is Wisma Tampak Miring
• Before Wedding. He opens the car door
  After Wedding. He opens his mouth and snores
• Before Wedding. She / he was your ideal
  After Wedding. She / he becomes your ordeal
• So before you decide to get married, beware of the consequences!

• [e-source: world wide web]